Inner Demons:

There comes a time when you wonder, why I am I here? Why am I on this Earth right now? I am not suicidal, nor do I wish to harm anyone else, but I still wonder... why?


People always feel the need to hide themselves. Maybe out of fear. Personally that's what I believe. In fact, I'm guilty of it myself. For years I refused to show others the real me. Not the overly competitive, highly determined 15 year old girl that everyone expects. Rather, the type of girl lost in her own fantasy. The girl who sometimes just needs a shoulder to cry on. That's the real me, hiding deep down, afraid to put herself out there for fear of what others might think.


I am stuck in between. My friends don't really know me, so I am afraid to be myself. I love to laugh, to run, to play sports, to sing, to cry, but most of all... to LIVE. I want to look back at my childhood and thank God for giving me the friends that made it so amazing. Maybe I am lost in a false reality. Best friends don't really exist, do they?


All of these thoughts have been flying through my head since last fall. After bottling up my feelings for more than 5 years, it became too much. I told one of my friends the deepest, darkest secret that I have hid from the world. What I didn't expect myself to do was tell 10 other girls. I thought they could handle it and maybe even help me get through it. Immediately, I regretted it. I burdened them. I thought they would never see me the same again. For months this idea haunted me. It plagued my thoughts 24/7.

I am not strong. The secrets I hide deep down have been there since the beginning of middle school. I was bullied. People called me anorexic for being skinny and fat for eating. I was different, an outcast, a freak. No one understood that I wanted to be everything. I wanted to be a tomboy (and a princess), an athlete (and a musician).  I don't really remember when I started suppressing my feelings. I guess I thought maybe people would like me more without all of the extra baggage. Now I know how wrong I was.


An old friend finally gave me the insight I needed. Some girls will never get it. They will judge and make it seem like the real you should be hidden. They yearn for attention and create drama. These people aren't even worth your time. It isn't likely that all of the people that are prominent in your life now will continue to play an important role 10 years from now. Think... there are a few friends that have known you since you were born- a sibling, a cousin, maybe a neighbor. They have seen you grow up, the ups and the downs, the good times and the bad times. They know you better than you know yourself. It's possible you never even realized it. Now, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of friends you may have met recently that possess similar qualities, but either way the concept remains the same. Make time for these friends because it is likely that they will be with you forever.


My past was difficult. The weight of it bears down on me every moment of every day, but I refuse to let it make me who I am. You may have heard the phrase, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I know what you're thinking, oh God, now she's citing song lyrics. Please bear with me, It's true. Whatever you are hiding, let it out. Don't be afraid of what others might think because your real friends will be with you every step of the way. But perhaps most importantly, remember that everyone has their demons.


"My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me."
~Steve Maraboli

Optimism:

Now, I'm not one to preach this way of life, as I tend to struggle with it myself. Being an optimist is tough as a teenager. I mean, we're teenagers. Obviously we complain. We wake up at 5:30 in the morning to go to school, come home to do hours of homework, sleep, and then do it all over again. It's insanity!! You can't expect us to do it all without any argument.

So many friends of mine  have told me that I need to be more positive. But how am I supposed to do that with the weight of the world constantly bearing down on me? How is anyone supposed to do that? Only recently I have discovered the key:

Look at the bright side:
Ok, yes, it sounds cheesy, but it's true. When you look at the bright side, your life will be more meaningful. When things only seem to look down, persevere. Believe that life is a roller coaster, so that with every decline comes an incline.

Associate yourself with happy people:
Whether it be friends or family, maintain friendships with the people who build you up, not tear you down. These are the people who you will remember for the rest of your life.

See the best in people: 
It may seem like everyone's kindness is a deception, but if you believe that every thing happens for a reason, then you will be successful. I know it's hard sometimes, but life is short, and if you don't take the time to appreciate the small things, then you'll miss out on everything the world has to offer.

Have confidence in yourself:
It might seem impossible, but believe that your life has a purpose. You are beautiful on the inside and out, and without you, people would be lost. Keep your friends close and make sure that you value your friendship dearly, so that one day you can look back with no regrets.

Being positive all the time is impossible, but if you do these little things, life won't seem like such a burden.

Perfectionism:

For so many, the concept of being perfect consumes us. Perfect hair, perfect complexion, perfect body, perfect grades, it all seems so important.

I am a perfectionist. For me, this means that everything in my life must be controlled. I cannot handle sudden changes in my schedule and everything must be planned out in advance. Procrastinating homework or chores is absolutely out of the question. Sometimes this drives the people in my life absolutely insane, but it's uncontrollable.

Throughout all of middle school I had no life outside of school. I would wake up, go to my classes, go to sports practice, and do my homework until I went to bed. I had no social life and spent little time with family.

Recently, I began reassessing my life. As I embark on my college search, it has become more and more apparent that grades aren't everything. Of course they are important, but they don't completely guarantee your acceptance. Colleges look for how well rounded you are. Do you participate  sports or extracurriculars? Do you do community service?

The point is, you have to look ahead in your life. After high school and after college, you will find a job and a house. Maybe you will even raise a family. If you spent your entire childhood preparing for tests and college, you will have never had the chance to make any meaningful relationships. You will be lost without any idea on how to navigate reality!

The fact is, perfect is impossible. My mom always uses the phrase "it is what it is." Personally, I hate it, but for all of the perfectionists out there, remember, "it is what you make it." Don't spend your entire life stressing the little things!

"Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it."
~Paulo Coelho

Popularity:

The whole idea of being popular seems to be measured by how many friends you have or how many parties you get invited to. That's the problem...

Since I was a little girl, I have struggled finding friends. I was always the the straight A, overly competitive girl,  who won at everything- kind of annoying, yes, but I was little :) As a result, the few friends I did have tended to be boys. When I hit middle school, having friends that were boys started to mean that you were dating. It may seem stupid, but this set the platform for my high school years and the idea that I was different, an outcast.

Towards the end of middle school, popularity began to mean to me much more than it should have. I began to change my appearance and behavior all in an effort to fit in. I desperately wanted to be normal. As this state of mind set in, I started to settle for the easiest "friends" I could find.  I put up with abusive girls for months just so I could maintain a high social status. I thought it meant something.

It wasn't until recently that I realized how stupid I was. I found 3 girls who began to reintroduce me to who I really was. They accepted me for me, and refused to let me see myself as inferior. Although we don't always see eye to eye, these girls are by far the best friends I could ever ask for.

 High school is rough. There always seems to be a caste system and half the time you are trying to figure out where you belong. Are you a geek, mathlete, athlete? The list goes on and on. People make it seem like you have to choose a category, but that's  where they are sadly mistaken. You can be many different things!

The truth is, in real life, popularity doesn't mean anything. You have to learn to work with all personality types or you will never be successful. As girls mature, many become independent. They begin to think for themselves.  JUST WAIT! You may be an "outcast" now, but in the end, all of the other "outcasts" will form one big group; one that is much bigger than any of the "popular" groups.

Popularity isn't measured by  number of "friends" you have, but by quality of the people you surround yourself with. Those who degrade you will seem useless, but those who pick you up when you fall down, are your true friends.


*MER*   ❤ you guys

Body Image:

I've found that the real struggle of life as a teenage girl usually pertains to how you view yourself. The commercials on TV, the popular girls at school, and the professional athletes you see, seem to taunt you with their perfect bodies and curves.

For a long time, I believed I was fat. My so called "friends" constantly teased me and made me feel bad about myself. I was sick and tired of going to the mall with them and not being able to fit into any of the clothes I wanted to. I began to eat less and less, to the point where I was too tired to get through the day. As an intense athlete, this new lifestyle began to hit me hard. I was not performing well and would constantly throw up from the amount of physical pressure I put on myself.

At the time, I was in the middle of my Varsity swim season. My coach,  a young woman in her twenties, began to understand what was going on. After practice one day, she pulled me aside. She explained to me that by continuing to push myself to the the physical limits without the adequate nutrients, the further behind I would fall. I guess I already new this, as all athletes do, but I had fallen so far away from myself that I ignored this fact.

 I am an athlete. I play three sports (swimming, basketball- year round, and softball). The fact is that not everyone has a twig figure. For me, my shoulders often bulge and it looks a little weird sometimes, but that's me. I have an athletic build that reflects my personality. Everyone is different in their own imperfect way. Although I am not flat stomached like the models on TV, I am not fat either.

I realized that the more I tried to be like other girls and dress the way they did, the farther I was wandering from my personality. With these thoughts came the realization that the  girls I hung out with were not my friends and just used my insecurities to fuel their own.

Even if you are not an athlete, the message remains the same. Dress the way you want to dress. Express yourself and don't change for anyone! If people can't except your confidence, then they aren't really your friends. What goes around comes around. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. You may not be there to see it, but someday the people who you sought to be like, the ones who strived to follow the status quo, will fall. Perfect bodies and popularity won't matter after high school. In life, those who are truly successful are the people who understand who they are and embrace it.

What others think of you isn't what defines you. What defines you is the way you look at yourself and the confidence you tackle life with every day.