Inner Demons:

There comes a time when you wonder, why I am I here? Why am I on this Earth right now? I am not suicidal, nor do I wish to harm anyone else, but I still wonder... why?


People always feel the need to hide themselves. Maybe out of fear. Personally that's what I believe. In fact, I'm guilty of it myself. For years I refused to show others the real me. Not the overly competitive, highly determined 15 year old girl that everyone expects. Rather, the type of girl lost in her own fantasy. The girl who sometimes just needs a shoulder to cry on. That's the real me, hiding deep down, afraid to put herself out there for fear of what others might think.


I am stuck in between. My friends don't really know me, so I am afraid to be myself. I love to laugh, to run, to play sports, to sing, to cry, but most of all... to LIVE. I want to look back at my childhood and thank God for giving me the friends that made it so amazing. Maybe I am lost in a false reality. Best friends don't really exist, do they?


All of these thoughts have been flying through my head since last fall. After bottling up my feelings for more than 5 years, it became too much. I told one of my friends the deepest, darkest secret that I have hid from the world. What I didn't expect myself to do was tell 10 other girls. I thought they could handle it and maybe even help me get through it. Immediately, I regretted it. I burdened them. I thought they would never see me the same again. For months this idea haunted me. It plagued my thoughts 24/7.

I am not strong. The secrets I hide deep down have been there since the beginning of middle school. I was bullied. People called me anorexic for being skinny and fat for eating. I was different, an outcast, a freak. No one understood that I wanted to be everything. I wanted to be a tomboy (and a princess), an athlete (and a musician).  I don't really remember when I started suppressing my feelings. I guess I thought maybe people would like me more without all of the extra baggage. Now I know how wrong I was.


An old friend finally gave me the insight I needed. Some girls will never get it. They will judge and make it seem like the real you should be hidden. They yearn for attention and create drama. These people aren't even worth your time. It isn't likely that all of the people that are prominent in your life now will continue to play an important role 10 years from now. Think... there are a few friends that have known you since you were born- a sibling, a cousin, maybe a neighbor. They have seen you grow up, the ups and the downs, the good times and the bad times. They know you better than you know yourself. It's possible you never even realized it. Now, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of friends you may have met recently that possess similar qualities, but either way the concept remains the same. Make time for these friends because it is likely that they will be with you forever.


My past was difficult. The weight of it bears down on me every moment of every day, but I refuse to let it make me who I am. You may have heard the phrase, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I know what you're thinking, oh God, now she's citing song lyrics. Please bear with me, It's true. Whatever you are hiding, let it out. Don't be afraid of what others might think because your real friends will be with you every step of the way. But perhaps most importantly, remember that everyone has their demons.


"My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me."
~Steve Maraboli